Thanks!

Thank you, the angels in my life and God!

Bee

I don't know if I miss you.

Gear 2

Not too bad so far. I just need more pictures. This month is going to be a great month!

Angels

They are all around me. Thank you Lord for the angels and the angels themselves! Love.

Worthy

I'm going to smile cause I deserve to. I'm worthy. If you're not going to appreciate me, somebody else will. I will take the lead to appreciate myself so much more. Something to yeah about, no more depression start tomorrow, at least not for quite some time. I think and hopefully it's the end to my early life crisis. I've learned that sometimes somethings just won't have any solutions. Why not think about other practical things that would work instead? I've learned that life's not fair; or rather one cannot see how it's fair. I have to say it's very sweet. It's the little dirty touch, the smell of a load of notes. Devilish. I have to say, I'm jealous or envious however you put it but I really don't know if I can take on such a thing. Ego is the name but I'm not sure if it's the good game. It's hard I know but one thing's for sure. I'm going to make it there and I'm going to make it big.

I'm worthy,
Alan

Fairytale

There must be more than this provincial life.

Gears

I'm moving towards gear one of exam mode right now. The thing that I need and want the most right now is to ace my examinations in May. I'm very sure God would be faithful as usual; I'd just have to put in work on my part. Please do not disturb me unless I choose to disturb you myself. I'd just like that say that I am and will always be fine to friends that were there for me. It's just a little sad that there's nobody for me to love anymore. Don't think I've ever loved anyways. The emptiness is creeping me up a little but it's bearable. I'm trying not to worry too much as well; I'll let God do His part cause it's really too much of thing for a 20 year old to be to bear. I'd really need to cut down on spendings though; I'm already too broke to start with. One funny thing though; the word poor has somehow got synonymous with yours truly since don't know when. I just find that funny. I still believe God will provide for me. And, looking forward to doing something too. Something I don't know what though.

Gear one,
Alan

Early Life Crisis

I think I'm depressed. I'm definitely getting there. It kinda feels like a quarter life crises but I'm barely 20 so to speak. Remember empty, lonely and cold? This is definitely an emptiness attack. It's amazing how emptiness can suffocate me so much I can hardly breathe; something without mass but able to press me down like a big boulder. I am not happy simply because there's just not one simple reason to be happy about. The emptiness within is eating me up. I no longer see the sense in life. I've lost my directions. I just don't know how to be happy anymore. Not even material things can satisfy my hunger for happiness. I'm really tired; pushing myself through the rat race. I hardly have the strength to push on but to give up is not the right thing to do. I need a pause. I need to find meaning to everything. I need love; I'm not getting any. Not the kind I long for at least. And now that I want to cry I can hardly find tears. If only and only if there wasn't me here. There and then there wouldn't be all this drama going. I'm still keeping faith though. Sigh. There must be more than this; spirit of God come breathe within. I'll wait for you.

Unhappy,
Alan

Sweet

I want sweets. Where's my sweets? I get bitter instead most of the times. So much that I get used to it. What is sweet if one haven't got a taste of bitter. It feels like I'm longing for something that will never be mine. Regardless, it's really not bad at all to have the slightest fairytale within me. One day, I'll have something, somewhere, someday. God gives me the hope so all hope is not lost.

?
Alan

Fourth

Monday is finally here! Mixed emotions; 2010 is here! And what's with the speed of time? It's already the fourth day of 2010. I just know that if I kick start today just the way it should be, I'm ready take on the first half of the year. I'm just gonna so do that! I know it's never going to be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

Just do it,
Alan

Resolutions for 2010

Things that I want to achieve in 2010.

1) To study hard and smart for my LLB; to ace the exams. That's number 1 priority. I want my second upper!

2) To get fit, stay fit and get fitter. Also; to look good, stay that way and be better looking than ever.

3) To take up my fourth Les Mills programme or do the Pro-Instructor module/Advance Instructor Module for BODYATTACK/BODYSTEP.

4) To not spend so much of money. To save up much more.

5) To always love, have trust and faith in God.

6) To be a much better son, grandson and friend to my mother, grandmother and friends.

7) To be a much better person all together; a positive person with good thoughts and beliefs.

8) Let more emotions run through me.

9) To really practice what I preach.

10) To live my life in 2010!

Reflections of 2009

And how time flies, it's time to say hello to the last day of the year. The perfect time to reflect on the past year; kind of a yearly convention to myself now.

Let me start by saying that I've accomplished more than half of my resolutions in 2009. Which is really cool. This blog helps me keep a good track of things that I want to achieve and have achieved each year. I'm happy that nothing affected my faith in God throughout the whole year; my faith remains high through the ups and downs of 2009. God has been a part of me for quite some time already and He's really amazing. I haven't got words to really describe how it feels to walk alongside God. It's this safe and comforting feeling that you'll always have God to back you up no matter what happens; that feels awesomazing. It's like no matter what happens, there's a reason and the reason is God!

I can only plan this much but God has already prepared. Some things are just meant to be. 2009 has taught me that things happens for whatever reason they may be. One must not be in despair and discouraged when things don't turn out to be like the plans. There are much greater things and insights to a particular issue; I still believe that God is always very fair to everybody though more often than not we cannot see it the way He does. I am thankful and grateful that God has been blessing me abundantly. I always remind myself that I may not have the luxuries that I always long for but God has provided me with more than enough to wear, eat and live. So what if I was not able to catch Sammi Cheng live in Hong Kong this round. I still believe that there's more meaning to this and I'm positive I'll be there one day.

The last teenage year witnessed a roller coaster ride of emotions, friends and love. Things got really complicated here and there; I wonder why. For a second or maybe much more, I am not able to comprehend what love really means to me. I am lost as to where my feelings are taking me. Heartsick syndrome right at the middle, I have got to remember this. I am glad though that God has been there for my prayers as I bid farewell to my first love. I'm really sorry about the bad things that happened though; only for shit happens in life. I've got what I wanted to do, maybe much more. Perhaps it's now time to really find and get tuned with my inner soul. Officially, I no longer want to play such games anymore for fairytales don't exist in life. I no longer hope or hunt for it anymore. I'll just take what I have with my life; and live with it if I like it.

A big two is hitting me already. And, how time flies so fast? I don't wanna grow old. But I guess it's really part and parcel of life. The higher the figures, the more load I feel only shoulders. I wonder but hope that it's strong enough to take on the load. The bigger numbers just means more responsibility. Sometimes life leaves you with no options but the belief that I have within me says that it will be worth it. Perseverance will take me much further in life.

A lot of things was in a mess in 2009; relations in particular. Dealings with one another is never simply. No matter how I long for simplicity in life; there doesn't seem to be any. If everybody were to look to the good of people; I'm really sure we could all see more clearly then. Sometimes, it's just sad that something pure got mistakenly contaminated. And to the hearts of 2009, I'm sorry. I'm not worthy and I'm just too cold maybe, or am afraid of what it could be and how it would affect me. I'll admit that I did feel a little empty come the last moments of 2009 if it's going to cheer anyone up. But brilliant feeling it was, just the right thing to feel in this world where we come and go alone. Making rash judgements and being indecisive has got to be one of my biggest flaws this year. That has got to go away next year. If I could only buy more courage with the little money that I have.

So, it seems like 2009 is not a very good year after all? Not really; I felt so much love in 2009 like I've never felt before. It was just almost like it was going to overflow. It's really cute how fate brings people together. I believe that people come to your life for a reason; may not be karma but something else. What I did was to always remind myself where I stand no matter where I wanted to stand. It was all about being comfortable being myself. It all seem so much and so little but I promise I'll be stronger today than yesterday! Lots of opportunities came right to me in 2009 too; thank God that works at His own pace. I'm blessed. But hey. If something is too good to be true; it's never going to be true?

Reflected on 2009,
Alan

Boredom

Do you have a cure for me?

I Cannot Run Away

Baby you don't know what it's like to be me. Man, Christmas this year is so different, distinct. And I feel so much love from everybody. I've got many presents; I didn't expect any though. It's so touching how people would actually do so much for you. Words, expressions and feelings. I have to say, it warms me up- not that a cold person like myself needs them. But, I am thankful and grateful. I have to say, it seems that I have always got some issues with Christmas. Maybe, it's like quasi bad Christmas for me. But then again, I need to find courage to face whatever I need to face. I wonder if the courage is already back; I'm not going to back off from what I believe in. I believe I can do all things through Him that strengthens me. To quote Sammi, the beauty in life comes from the chase of perfection, the little things that make up life. And there's this saying that happiness is only we thing we can pursue. Just like to give thanks to God. I'd like to be awesomazing but I think God's definitely awesomazing. I almost forgot- still think that if something is too good to be true, it's not going to be true. The key is still rationality.

Livin' my life,
Alan

Christmas Wishlist

1) iPhone 10GS
2) iPod Classic
3) Calvin Klein Fragrance for Men
4) Bed
5) Designer jeans
6) Time
7) Happiness
8) Strength & Power
9) Bible
10) Life

*Subject to changes before 25th of December.

Take Me To The Clouds Above - Global Nation

There's a boy I know
He's the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes
Take me to the clouds above
There's a boy I know
He's the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes
Take me to the clouds above

Take me to the clouds above
(Clouds above clouds above...)
Take me to the clouds above
(Clouds above clouds above...)

The Heartsick Syndrome

And every now and then the heartsick syndrome comes back with vengeance. Almost not being myself, the usual ala perfecto style kind of yours truly. Not my style of doing things but then again I have no answer to the question why. And the fact that sometimes people leave not because they are selfish but they know that things will get worse if they stay. Gaga's paparazzi song's been frequening my iPod/iTunes. Funny it just struck me; how people can be like paparazzi. It's like they know nothing but pretty brilliant at assuming things. And man, they way they sell the story. So real, I'd buy it myself. You know, I always thought that something so pure cannot be contaminated with other earthly things. I'm not quite sure but really, I might be wrong. People that don't know me, tell me if I'm biased cause I really don't think so. Ole, isn't that part of human mechanism to be biased? I'm really quite exhausted, mentally and all. Good thing is that I'm not burning off my study engines; little or no studying at all this month. Think it's better for me to gear towards final examination that way. Think I'll just leave everything on God's plate now; has got to be the most brilliant idea.

Sick?
Alan

Lazy Bug

December, the last month of the year. I've got the lazy bug syndrome for the very first time.